Saturday, December 15, 2012

In the Heat of the Battle

I know I haven't written in  a long time. I guess I was waiting until I felt some positive energy about Isabella's situation and the way our lives are going. I never like to write when I feel so down hearted. I hate to pull others down with me. But sometimes I just can't help the way I feel and the battles I go through. I have felt so guilty these past couple days because of the school massacre that took place Friday. I have been so mad at my own self for feeling even a little upset about my situation compared to what they are going through. I know they would rather have their child with them tonight even if they were in Isabella's shape. And I would to, believe me! My little girl is the light of my life and yes, this horrible shooting definitely makes me appreciate her here with me no matter her condition. She is the reason I wake up everyday and continue with life. And even though these tragic circumstances have taken place, for some reason it still pains me to see my daughter struggle daily. I feel so much love toward her. Its unlike anything I have ever felt for anyone. And when you love someone that much, in such a deep way, it almost kills you to see them in such a way. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I know its been two years since Isabella was born and diagnosed, but I guess I still find it hard to accept this as her life. I have grew up my whole life believing that affliction shouldn't touch my home...That I have the power in Jesus' name to rebuke it from our midst. The 91st Psalm keeps playing in my head and I just can't understand why this has happened to my daughter. I've always felt deeply that this is a huge test that God is allowing me to go through to come out stronger than before, but when I look at my child and the reality of two years have gone by in affliction, it just seems so unfair. Not just to me, but to her especially. Two years that could have been filled with so many exciting things and so many discoveries of the world. Her vision loss hinders her in so many ways. I want so bad for my baby to look at me and know I'm her mama. I dream of the day we can watch cartoons together, sing together, or just feel her hug me or get a kiss from her. Maybe I allow myself to be tormented by these things, but what can I say..I'm her mother and I want her to be able to live life to the fullest. Is that so wrong of me? I try to look at her and see God's love, but I constantly see her affliction that God won't remove. And looking at it that way has caused me to have much anger. Anger that I shouldn't have. Anger towards God. And that's a scary place to be. I have always felt so protected and safe in the arms of God. But the day Isabella was born, I felt so forsaken by Him. I have never been more hurt in my life. He's my Father and I look to Him for everything I need. And today I need Him more than ever. But I just feel so alone. I have a huge family, but yet I feel so utterly alone. For a while, I thought God allowed this to happen to Isabella to help change a lot of people in our family. To make them better people. More appreciative of life and God. I saw a difference in a lot of them after Isabella was born, but that swiftly faded. There are a few that have definitely been affected and I see a great change in them for the better. And when I see them, it makes me hopeful that Isabella's situation was for a reason beyond my understanding. But I am so heart broken at all the others that are no different than before Isabella was born. Yes, they feel pity for me and Isabella. But what does that help? Situations like this are suppose to make you more grateful, right? But instead, I see the same people, still rushing through life, wanting to rush everything by. "I can't wait for my child to walk", "I can't wait for my child to talk"...Yeah, I would have probably said the same thing before Isabella was born, but today I look at the little things in life, and they mean so very much. When I'm around others and all they are talking about is their child walking and talking and playing, I feel so out of the loop. I constantly feel like such an outcast. It seems like the only place I fit in is with others that are going through the same thing. And I am so grateful for all my PKS family out there! Ya'll mean so much to me! Before Isabella was born, anytime I felt down or brokenhearted, at the end of the day I would realize that no matter how big my problem was, I always had God. And I automatically felt better. Today, I just don't feel like I even have that. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me, and I don't even have the support of the only one that Father. There are so many people out there that I need to be praying for, and that weighs heavy on me. But I struggle with the feeling that God doesn't hear me, so how can I pray for others if I can't even pray for myself? I guess that's when others kick in, cause Lord knows I need it. I'm thankful for the prayer warriors out there. The ones that put their own selves aside and pray for those in need. I felt like I use to be one of those, but my trial has robbed me of the job I'm suppose to be doing. So I really feel like a failure. Prayers needed tonight, even though I'm so unworthy of them.
needing to believe these words more than ever...